Biathletes are the New Ninjas

Ninjas? Please.


This year you've got a new Master and he's wearing a full-body Spandex Cat-Suit. He even has a spandex beanie, (sometimes wool) the world's most aerodymanic clear-lense glasses ( worn outside of the beanie) and he's got a gun strapped to his back. Every 1.5km he's gonna shoot some targets. Five targets, Ninja. And if he misses one he's got to do an extra kilometer penalty before he kicks your ass Biathlete style.

These guys are no joke. They can shoot even when they are out of breath. They can shoot laying on their stomachs, WITH THEIR cross-country skiis STILL ON!!! Of course they can shoot standing up too if they have to. Those glasses aren't just part of the intimidation factor either. The glasses are there so that no matter how fast the Biathletes are gliding around the snow rink, they will still be able to pause, lay down on their stomachs, aim and shoot your ass- without their eyes tearing up.

Prepare yourself for the next Cult Icon. Throw out your "My family was killed by Ninjas" t-shirt. Take the 'RealUltimatePower' website off of your Favorites list. Return your numbchucks. Throw away your ridiculous Halloween 'ninja' costume that you wore every year from 1987-1994. That's all garbage now. You don't need that crap. What you need is to go get yourself some spandex and a rifle.

Seriously, the next time I am in a country that celebrates Halloween I am going as a biathlete.