OUT OF OFFICE

To my ten loyal fans- I am out for the next two weeks. I love you and will miss you dearly.

Enough with the Tom Cruise hatred already

Even from over here I can keep an ear to the ground. There are a few things that amaze me about gossip lately. First, for everyone who told me that I was being a bitter girl when I said Britney would get fat- I have a smirk for you. She was so hot, but her body always looked like it wanted to be fat. Look at her fingers, fat fingers. Second, stop harassing Tom Cruise. I don't get it. All stars are nuts- short, needy nutcases. It is simply not normal to need that much reassurance from people you don't even know. Why do we act all surprised that actors are annoying? Remember all the people in the drama-club? Intolerable. At least he has something he believes in. And why do we monitor Katie's belly? She probably had the baby like two months ago and is walking around with a fake belly because she's an actress.

You'll never believe it, but- Ticket Price is the number one Criterion for Selecting FLIGHTS!!!!!!!

Holy Shit! I think we're really onto something here. What we are saying is that when consumers are looking to take a trip on a plane their first consideration is how much the flight will cost. I know it's tough so let's consider this in graph form.



That gigantic stick in the middle is people who want lower fares and choose their flight accordingly. I would argue that the upgraders/frequent flier stick should be added to this since most people fly frequent flier to, what? Get free tickets or discounted tickets in the future. It ain't because we want to pay more.

I haven't been able to update this blog that much lately because I have been so busy working on projects like this. Sometimes I want to get down and cry I have so much work to do. I am working on a project for Airbus. I can say that because it is all publically available information I found on their website. I usually look at a company's strategy and targets and then compare their results to their peers and from that we draw all sorts of conclusions and then take it from there. It's really serious, expert stuff and I am incredibly intelligent and important. I get asked at least once a week what my background is so that we can all have a level of comfort that I truly understand that the idea is to sell more stuff while spending less money to make this amazing thing called profits. It's all very tricky. There are balance sheets and P&L statements to deal with here. I am going to take this number from that column and put it over here and that will impact that column so stand-back everyone. I stay energized because I like what I do. Then, this comes along and it makes it really hard to take this seriously.

I went to Airbus and was having trouble finding their investor reports, but I stubled across a document called Global Market Forecast 2004-2023. Awesome. Now I can see what Airbus thinks is their market to win! First few pages are garbage, people are getting richer blah blah blah. China has a huge market potential...zzzzz Some stuff about how high oil prices are a market opportunity to sell fuel efficient planes... And then- this jewel that took my breath away.



This is in a report that I am assuming Airbus spent at least €1m to have done, compiled, printed and published. This probably took months of surveying, studies, powerpoints, board-meetings, political discussions, nights weekends etc. To tell us some shit we already knew.

You guys, what we are doing is totally pointless. We work and work and work on concepts that have been true for a million years. And we complicate it, turn it around, look up its ass, draw charts, create powerpoints, have conference calls, get shit on, redo our ridiculous work with better graphs, more colors. We create whole organisations to explain to us a concept we kind of figured out when we were five and couldn't afford to buy a candy bar on the nickel grandma gave us for our birthday, but we could afford a piece of Bazooka. A little thing called supply and demand.

An example with cookies:
Supply-Consumers want to pay as little as they can. They will buy more as the price drops. Sellers, on the other hand, want to be able to charge as much as they can. They will be willing to make more and sell more as the price goes up. This way they can maximize profits.
Demand-Simply put, the higher the price, the lower the demand and the lower the price, the higher the demand. Where supply and demand meet is called the market price.



Here it is in graph form.


If you just substitute cookies for airplanes we have my Airbus report. Done!
Did your head just explode from all that learning? It's really complicated stuff so please leave it to the experts.

Thems big words for a Yogi

"It's not like McDonald's; it's not like popping out a hamburger," Lee said. "I don't want to have to commodify it."

Those words are from Cyndi Lee, 52, founder and owner of New York's City's popular Om yoga center. Lee said she has turned down numerous buyout offers through the years, worried a loss of control could erode the sense of community she has helped to create. The article is about how the commercialization of yoga goes against the fundamentals of yoga's spirituality. Bitch, Please. I went to Om. I didn't see any monks. I saw a lot of rich yuppies trying to tone their ass. What's wrong with that?

"We've taken this ancient tradition, science, and art of yoga out of a culture and a religion and world view and we've tried to transplant to the other side of the planet," said Judith Hanson Lasater, a longtime yoga instructor and author who holds a doctorate in East West psychology. "I believe there's not a complete match up."

So what you're saying is that we've taken this-



And made it this?



Is that really so bad?

Why do we always have to assume that if something is profitable, it has no spiritual value? The minute you can make a dollar we all think we've lost the real meaning. Why can Dr. Judith Hanson- Lasater who has a doctorate, a pretentious double-name and a book deal- why can she teach yoga? But when the rest of us westerners do it, we somehow commodify it. That is, take the art out of it?


These messages are only for the pure:
"Strength and flexibility of body, breath, energy, and mind are all encouraged, but the focus of our practice resides in a deeper arena - awareness of the Self. Compassion and self-respect are the watchwords. Rather than a strict adherence to classical forms, beliefs, and concepts, the understanding of and sensitivity to one's experience in the body and in relationship to other lives is the touchstone of Kripalu's approach to yoga. Pleasing the teacher, doing it right, and looking good are de-emphasized. Establishing personal boundaries, listening to the wisdom of your body, and responding to what brings healing and fulfillment to your heart is the emphasis."

Dear Liza,

I love you! Why didn't you invite me to your wedding? You invited everyone else. God. You looked so amazing that day. And your wedding party. How did you think of that? The artists formally known as Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor in your wedding party? Do you guys still talk? That is really something. I think maybe only second to having like... no one. They are the ultimate wedding party. There can never be anything better.

You know my best friend and I cried when we heard about the divorce. We also cried when we saw this picture, but it was Friday after a long week and we needed the release. We lived in a loud apartment and I think I remember actually screaming about it. Us Weekly just came in the mail and we needed some comic relief. Once we convinced ourselves that this was a real picture, from a real event in someone's real life, we put you on the fridge next to David Beckham. Oh, we also had one of Jessica Simpson's wonky eye and ridiculous vapid face before she got skinny and hired stylists, but it was marginal next to this one.




That was such a wild ride, your marriage to David. That kiss. Remember that? You were so passionately determined not let his little worm tongue in your mouth, weren't you? Once I was watching TV with my girl and VH1 played an ad for a special on your wedding. We both said I am so watching that when it comes on. I will cancel meetings, whatever. And then we heard these magic words- Liza and David wedding.... NEXT. Again, tears of joy. I think I actually threw my hands up like I made a touch-down. That was one of the happiest times of my life, Liza. Your wedding. THat kiss. over and over and over again.

I can totally understand why you had to beat him up. Did he drop that lawsuit against you? I almost started my own lawsuit against you, dammit. You guys promised us a reality show and never delivered. I wanted to see it!! Then, you got divorced and we never heard from you. I moved out of the country and that was that.

Until recently. I saw your appearance on Larry King. That was amazing. Actually, I saw someone's clips of you laughing on Larry King which was even better.
Look Liza, all I want to say is that I am really happy to see you again. I am really glad to see that you are drinking again or doing whatever it is that you do. For some people being sober is not the right answer.




Some prick put some horns on you in this picture. I would have put them on Billy Balogna here next to you, but I don't have the original.

Stay Gold, Liza. Keep in touch!!!

Katie

Want to know how I know that I will never fit in at work?

See this picture of the Hoff? Hilarious, right? If you haven't seen his hooked on a feeling video, you are missing out on a free smile.

Not so much though to a bunch of consultants. I run a team call every Friday at noon. We all get on, I drill them about what they are doing and basically discuss projects and issues for the week. One of my German colleagues just began work on an engagement for the company above, details are secret, but it's a big deal and it actually looks good. I started to laugh and asked who had seen the Hasselhof ads. I said that Pepsi had just come out with an amazing campaign that speaks volumes about their image. It aligns with our creative strategy.... So I forwarded this picture to my colleague. What did I get in return? Nothing. Not a lol or a thanks or a wow or even a don't forward me this shit.

Working for a company where you feel like an alien is the emotional equivalent to having no friends in highschool and waking up every morning from the arrived at school naked dream. I have a job interview tomorrow for another position in the same company. I am seriously tempted to turn the tables. Buddy, I know I can do this job. Any monkey can do any job. Now, do you think this picture of David Hasselhoff singing over exploding soda is funny? Is there any chance we could, you know, like talk sometime that isn't about EDITDA margins?