Lufthansa: Helping the world continue to dislike Germans

What are some words that come to mind when you think of Germany? Rigid, rude, formal, bureaucratic? Are these words fair?
Germany has come a long way in the world. With a population of 82 million, it is the third largest economy in the world, and the largest in Europe, almost a third larger than the United Kingdom. We've just elected a female chancellor in charge of a new coalition government and with her there are upbeat predictions of improved economic growth. Germany continues to sell more goods into the world market than any other country, but it's not just economic progress. The World Cup has all eyes on Germany this year and recent polls reflect improved sentiment after years of depression.

However, for every step the German people make towards a better impression, Lufthansa takes three steps back. I think the words rigid and rude are part of Lufthansa's mission statement.
Lufthansa is not just a German export. It is THE German company. It flies planes made by Airbus which is jointly owned by a german company. It hires its surly flight crew from the German people and it gets money from the German government to fly all over the world with the mission to bring some people back to Germany. To that extent, Lufthansa is more than an airline, they are a flying German ambassador. A flying, sucking, German ambassador.



The following is a list things that actually happened on my last Lufthansa flight. I have bulleted them to avoid detail. This is only to highlight how terrible Lufthansa is, not how gross I am.

I:
- ran to the bathroom right as we pulled away from the gate
- threw up in the sink.... while flight attendents banged on the door to tell me to return to my seat
- clogged up that sink
- scooped my own vomit from the sink into the garbage bin with a paper cup in an effort to unclog the sink before take-off. I did this while still sitting on the toilet
- ran back to my seat in time for take-off
- actually told Alexander I thought the problem was solved
- proceeded to shit my pants while running up the aisle (just as we began take-off) to go throw up some more
- removed and washed the ass of my pants
- threw out my underwear
- stood for... (lost track of time) in the bathroom in an attempt to not have my naked ass touch any surface
- lost approximately 3-4 kilos of fluids.



After some time in the bathroom I just decided I would spend the entire flight in there. What happened in that little can is between me and that two square feet. I will tell you that there was a lot of moaning, a lot of hauling out the sink with my trusty cup and just to complete the picture- I had paper towels shoved up my ass. Oh, and high heels. No pants, high heels (I usually like to look nice when I travel) and a wad of paper towels jammed into my crack. It's not like I wanted a lot of fuss about me. But you would think that at least one of the paid staff on the flight would think to bring me some tea, a warm towel, or offer me... I don't know, anything?

The only attention or help that I got from any of the ten flight attendants happened in three brief and uncomfortable confrontations. My being sick must have really annoyed them.

1)I was told loudly and bluntly (in German which is WAY scarier delivery) that it would be very expensive to have to make any special stops for me. To which the entire cabin turned around to give me the stink eye.

2) A pack of two knocked on the door to ask if I was ok after take-off and to tell me that I shouldn't leave my seat during take-off ever again (in German)

3) The cost-conscious one yelled with a very loud sigh and I think a finger wave that because of me they would have to put a bathroom out of order. That was a lie. I went back to the one I clogged and stayed there the majority of the flight. Alexander told me later that this Steward actually went to Alexander's seat to tell him to tell me not to throw up in the sink anymore.

After four hours in the bathroom Alexander convinced me to come back to my seat. I sat in an aisle seat tossing and moaning in discomfort in between trips to the bathroom. You might recall from my smoothie post that at this point I didn't care anymore about throwing up and was drinking whatever I could get my hands on. At no point did any of the attendants make eye contact with me. Even the ones who reprimanded me did not check on me, offer me anything or even bother to yell at me some more.


I am not going to even go into how ridiculously uncomfortable the seats were, but I did pass time by imagining unscrewing my legs and putting them in the overhead. I literally have spent hours on the internet looking for seat-size standards. At what point are the size and hardness of a seat against basic human-rights laws? Is there some form of consumer protection for this? This is my fourth trip overseas since January and I have had some truly wonderful flights on Air France, Virgin and United Economy Plus because of reasonable seat size and my own movie screen in the seat-back in front of me.

By the way, it is the airline that decides how many seats to jam in a row and how many rows to fit in one plane. Seriously. Alexander measured that from the end of his nose to the back of the seat in front of him was only one hand length. He couldn't read a newspaper since it didn't fit. Strangely, Lufthansa provides newspapers for the flight. Is this the German sense of humor that no one understands? At this point I only weighed 54 kilos and I couldn't even cross my legs without turning sideways. Whatever money Lufthansa thinks they are squeezing out the of the extra seats could easily be saved by getting rid of half of the flight attendants. I am not convinced it takes 10 people to spill juice and sneer at the passengers when they ask for things. Looking back I should have just thrown up in the seat and made them have to deal with it. SCHNELL!


I did not write this last bit, but anytime someones rage moves them to Haiku... well that's really impressive.

here


On the way back home I had the worst flight of my life. The seats on Lufthansa were so small that there were at least 30 people standing in the aisles trying to relieve the intense pain. I will never fly Lufthansa again. I was sitting next to a 120 pound lesbian and even she could barely fit in her seat. So, in honor of the plane ride I've written this haiku.

Lufthansa:

Concrete slabs you call seats, tiny and unforgiving, I think you gave my ass exuma...fuck you.