True Confession: I just bought Nick Lachey's new single and I am ordering the whole album.

I am not sure if I even like it. Why? Because I haven't listened to it yet. I bought it out of spite. I bought it because one time years ago before Newlyweds and before I think Nich Lachey was even married I saw him at NYSC early on a Saturday morning. He made an impression. He is unbelievably good-looking in real life in a way that I typically hate: chunky jewelery, muscles, muscle-shirt, gelled hair. No matter. The man is hot. Yes. This chumpy guy is hot.

Then, I saw him on Newlyweds and really liked him. He does yard-work and tries to make everyone happy. He hangs with his brother. This is someone that I want to support no matter what his music sounds like.

I was devasted to learn that America liked his wife better. What? Come on people, Jessica Simpson is the reason there will never be a woman president. She is the definition of an insecure, malleable, twit. She's that girl in school who would lick a dirty ashtray if you told her it would make her look cool. In one episode of Newlyweds she almost had a nervous breakdown when her hair-stylist couldn't do her hair for her performance of the national anthem.

I bought the album because I want to tip the scales. I want Nick to be the next It-Girl. I want Jessica to go away now. Go away, Jessica. You are not relevant anymore. We are ushering in an era of women with more to offer us. I don't know who they are yet, but I know they are coming. They are going to be like Eddie Veddar after New Kids on the Block. So, go.

Bring that vibrato, forced, lip quivering, hand-waving crap you call your music back to the shower where it belongs. Apologize to your husband- who for whatever reason really thinks you're great. Don't waste that. He's really hot in a totally unexpected way. While you're at it, read a GD book. Try applying your own makeup, choosing your own clothes and styling your own hair. Try only wearing hair growing out of your own head. Reintroduce yourself to your natural skin color. You're white, right? Reintroduce yourself to your natural lip size. Read a newspaper. Work on developing an opinion not based on anyone's expectations. Spend some time alone. These are all things we need from you. Otherwise, we're all going to have to continue to buy Nick's albums. I will even go to a concert if I have to!!!

We'll let you back in the public eye when you can pass your GED, ok?