Like an abused women who just got flowers delivered to the office, I am thinking of taking Lufthansa back.

I mean, they really do love me. They are sorry and promised that it would never happen again.




See!! They sent this table fussball set with real polished metal players. Plus! a bottle of wine with the World Cup logo as a label. Auuuwwww!! Aren't they so sweet!? See, they really were listening to me when I was talking. I swore I thought I could tell that when I started my speech on my love of soccer that I heard the volume on the TV go up and I swear I smelled farts which usually is Lufthansa's way of hinting that they aren't listening. I thought I said I liked beer when I watch soccer... ? but wine is good too and really I just feel so touched that they acknowledged their deep, true and yes... passionate love for me. I always knew that the more they abused me, the more it means they truly love me. They are just trying to help me be a better passenger and not mess up so much.

I didn't mean it when I said I was walking away forever and this would be the last time they could abuse me like this. I didn't mean it. I need Lufthansa! I would be nothing without them.

If I'm being really honest, I deserved the treatment that I got from Lufthansa. I am the disgusting excuse for a passenger who got sick in the sink, shit my pants and basically let them down again. There are thousands of other passengers out there who are better than me and I should just thank my lucky stars that Luftansa chose me to abuse. And then apologized through gift. I am the luckiest frequent flier in the world. I only wish I felt like I deserved it.

Inside the YeahKate: worst presenter, ever!

I am an embarassment to my job and self today.

On paper I have a really good job. In my personal life I am really fun and I don't think many would call me shy. I like to talk. i have an opinion and sometimes I can be really funny. I rarely get embarassed. I ace like every job interview I have ever been on. I feel like I give off the impression of confidence. So you can imagine my shock of late to learn that I am in fact like the worst presenter in the world. The worst presenter in the world. There are bad presenters because they are boring or don't say anything. I WISH I was just boring or uninteresting. I am bad because I can't actually present my point of view if there are more than three people present who I don't intimately know or if I am on a conference call. For some reason now I get the shakey, flat, mouse voice, I start sweating like a pig, my hands shake and I can't remember basic English. Is this normal? Is there treatment for this?


Today the most embarassing thing happened to me. No. It didn't happen to me- I humiliated myself. I was supposed to say like three minutes worth of content on a conference call. I started out fine and then two sentences into it I lost my place, started to hyperventilate and basically panicked. It felt like someone threw a switch and I had no control over my body or mind. I tried taking a sip of water to find out that my cup was empty. I was looking at my presentation page to find something, anything to say. I just stopped talking and there was total silence on the line. I forgot what I was supposed to be saying, the point of what I was talking about. I actually said- I don't have the presentation open to stall for time when my phone went dead. There is a god, I tell you. I can't believe my phone went dead. I asked one close colleague if she could estimate about the damage that I did to my reputation. she said that the phone cut off when I was still pretty much at the beginning. I am too paranoid to believe her, but there is no one else I can ask- so did you hear me hyperventilating or did the phone cut off before I had my nervous breakdown in front of all the senior execs?


Do any of my beloved YeahKaters have any suggestions for me? If I am being totally honest with myself, I have never been good at presenting. I get around it by becoming friends with everyone and pretending like I am just chatting. But on a conference call in front of people I have never met, I can't quite play that trick on my mind. I am the most vulnerable, nervous and exposed when I am hundreds of miles away on a telephone.


Two weeks ago I took a class in German on presenting skills. That is pretty brave, no? I had to stand in front of them and talk in German. But for some reason I felt comfortable and it was no problem. Also, there were only three of us in the class. I told them about my shaking, mouse voice problem that i have developed. As an excercise I had to stand in front of them and yell ER HAT DEISES GELD NICHT GENOMMEN and then emphasize each word in turn. When I said ER hat dieses Geld nicht genommen, I had to like stamp my foot and point at some imaginary asshole who wouldn't take my money and so on. It was supposed to get me to develop my voice. I think I should write the teacher and tell him the excercise didn't work. The letter would go- Dear Asshole, YOUR class doesn't work. I still SUCK at presenting. I have to write this since actually saying it would come out as, "yooouuurr cacaclass, um ahh. hmmm? was.... Uh my computer just froze."

What hurts more than losing?

Losing to someone who just puked.




David Beckham scored the winning goal against Ecuador and puked all within 30 minutes. Let's not focus on him being sick though. He's an incredible player and this just makes him more amazing.

Barfing during excercise is fairly normal. Right Chris? I still giggle sometimes when i ride my bike remembering when we were mountain biking in Colorado. The trail went up and up and up. Doug rode like a professional for some reason. I walked most of the way. We all did our best except for Chris who did better than his best. He was riding ahead of me up the mountain. All of sudden he just puked, took a pause and then kept riding. Too funny. Dogs do that too when they drink too much water too quickly. Slop,slop,slop... bbbrrrahhh... ruuff! Rufff!




Still. you have to assume if your opponent is barfing, then maybe you have an advantage. You know, because he has to stop and puke and you don't. A few years ago when i was still incredibly immature and also a huge Pete Sampras fan, I was watching what would turn out to be his last year in tennis. He wasn't feeling well. I desperately wanted him to get to the next round so he could play Agassi one last time. In fact, the match was incredibly close and long. It looked like Pete would lose. He kept stopping in between points to dry heave. I thought he was a goner. Also, I happened to think dry-heaving is (was) hilarious so i recorded the match. Pete looked a little green. He was about to serve, walked to the back of the court and barfed. He wiped his mouth and then won the match. Ouch. Of all the wins and losses that guy will remember I think the one where Pete Sampras barfed on the court and then beat him will probably stick in his memory the most.

Good Bye, Nedved. I love you.

Dear Pavel Nedved,

I am watching your game against Italy right now. You are playing really well. You are playing so well that I don't even know what position you play. I think they call that ubiquitous or something like that. I don't have time to look it up because I want this letter to come from my heart as I am watching the final minutes of what could be your last World Cup.

You are possibly one of the best players I have ever seen. I never even heard of you before I saw you play against the US (where you totally ....
My heart just broke. Italy has just scored the nail in the Czech coffin. It is now 2-0 at 87 minutes and there ain't a chance in hell you can save the team now. I am truly, truly sorry. God I hate to watch the Italians play. They just aren't inspiring. They are over-payed babies, not hard muthafuckas like you and the others. Their greatest skill and winning strategy is to fall all over the place- which admitedly they do do much better than a lot of teams. I just can't get down with respecting that.

If it's any comfort to you, clearly everyone knows you are the Man. The whole stadium was chanting your name the entire game- Ned. Ved. Ned. Ved. and now that the game is over even the Italian players are the ones hugging you and patting you on the back. I think even they know you play better than they do. But you can't beat a whole team with one man- especially Italy, who knows how to play.

I am sorry you guys had to lose to Ghana too. I do love Ghana and I am sorry you had to be the lambs who let them into the second round. I would prefer to be watching Ghana cream the Americans right now, but for some reason the German TV channels thought it would be (too expensive?) to show both games. So I will have to wait and see and read the results on line.

Anyway, you're 34 now and I doubt I'll be seeing you again in this capacity. You were great though and I won't forget.

Much love,
a devoted fan

ps. if you are involved in any of this Italian soccer scandal I will be really disappointed in you.

No Rebuttal?

I never heard anything from all the Italian fans out there who read my blog (tom) in response to Saturday's humiliation. Apparently, the Italians are being hit at home...

Italy's sports press hit out at the national team and coach Marcello Lippi on Sunday after the Azzurri were held to a 1-1 FIFA World Cup™ draw by the USA in a match marred by three red cards.
'An Italy of madmen' ran the headline on the front page of Corriere dello Sport, which went on to describe its players as "confused and nervous".

"Italy did little, too little in the whole of the second half," it added. "It seemed like they (the USA) had an extra man. Something had gone wrong for sure."

...Instead of where it is most needed



I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow where despite my pro-US rant I would like to see Ghana and Czech advance to the next round. My good friend Nedved is angry about his loss to Ghana and will hopefully also kick some Italian ass. I am counting on it. Check those thighs below. Ghana is truly an inspirational team. They have never been to the world cup before and it's fun to watch them make history for their country.

Since we're on the subject of gross

I wish I had something funny to say, but I don't.

Delicious Pesto Recipe

This is a delicious, easy, healthy and tastey Pesto that we made last week and will eat again tonight. It took two minutes to make and tastes better than a restaurant. You don't even have to cut anything. We made a lot.

Get a whole bunch of basil. We bought a whole plant and simply cut off everything, stems and all, right down to the dirt. It is bravely regrowing on the window.
In some sort of food processor or blender put these things together:
- Pine nuts- It doesn't matter how many- two tablespoons?
- A Chunk of Parmesan cheese- maybe half of a wedge you would buy
- some peeled garlic cloves- 2 or 3 is good
- Olive Oil- as liquidy as you think it should be
- Salt and Pepper- don't be shy

Press the button and let everything blend. I like it with spaghetti and a little more olive oil.

I like the feeling of snowflakes on my face

worth1000 is having a contest to photoshop celebrity pictures. You can check it out. A lot of them are more creative and involved than this one, but I can't stop staring at this thing.

Italy takes it in the ass!

BOOOOO YAHHHH!!! Italy walks away with their tail between their legs. Saturday's US vs. Italy game was incredible and shame on you if you didn't watch it. There was blood, sweat and tears. There was humiliation too; and amazingly it wasn't from the US. You can say what you want about the game: that it was a tie and the US never scored because the US goal was a mistake from an Italian player. whah whah whah. Whatever. Italy embarassed themselves and they know it. They played the ENTIRE second half- that's 45 minutes with one more player than the US. That is one whole human body more and they still couldn't score against the US!!! That seriously sucks.



This guy, by the way, Perrotta did get it in the ass. Unfortunately I could not find a picture of the actual insertion, but I did see a cleat go up his crack in slow motion on the replay and then he rolled around on the ground like this for a bit. Perfect symbolism- thanks Perrotta. He was quoted by the way as saying that after that incedent his ass was killing him and he had to grit his teeth to keep playing. Boy. We've all been there.

Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.

We are watching a lot of World Cup over here. It's so amazing that I have started calling it Football. Really because it's called fußball in German and I am not quick enough in the head to go two full translatation steps. That would mean translating fussball to football and then another step into soccer. I guess that's what happened to Madonna and her British accent.

When we lived in Montreal we were huge hockey fans. Hockey is such an amazing sport. It's fast and athletic. There's strategy, sweat and blood as opposed to say baseball which I will never understand. How can you have a gut and be a professional athlete? I find hockey and soccer similarly appealing. A wonderful friend of mine and a sports fanatic says he doesn't like soccer because there aren't enough goals. That is like saying you don't like soccer because it's not exciting enough. Or like saying you don't like boxing because there aren't enough knock-outs. Or like saying you don't like capture the flag because there's only one flag to capture. The point is not the goals, it's the game. The journey, my friend. The journey.




If you are one of the 7 people who read my site you will no doubt remember my love of the bi-athlete. I maintain that biathletes are more amazing than ninjas because they are equally as dangerous and flexible, but do it all while wearing spandex. Right now I am also declaring that soccer players (or as we Euros call them, Footballers) are also more impressive than ninjas.

Don't believe me? Watch a game. Forget that the game is probably at 0-0 and focus on what they are willing to do to make the game 1-1.






If you take away the sequins and the rollerskates, a soccer game is basically a stealth-mode roller derby match, but better. All the ass beatings, trips, kicks and carnage needs to happen either out of view of the ref or in way that looks as if it occured naturally. American Football is similar except not as artistic because the whole point is to tackle people. Soccer is about making it look like you just happened to be running so fast that you accidently axel kicked that guy's neck and slammed your cleat down on his arm to get to the ball. My favorite part is that everytime the whistle blows all the players release whatever fist full of hair, shirt or flesh they had and throw their hands in the air to say "It wasn't me!"




Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

Open Message to the US Soccer Team: Italians need a good beating

The US is playing Italy on Saturday and I would really like to cheer for my home country. After Monday's spectacle against Czech I am not sure that I can. The US totally humiliated themselves (AND ME) in that game. Everyone knows the US sucks at soccer, but we didn't know it was that bad. I am begging you to please get it together for your next match.



See this? This is about what the last US game looked like. The Czechs dominated and the Americans rolled into a little ball and cried.

Soccer is about a lot of things. Being hard is definitely one them.

Here's what a good soccer player looks like. This guy- his name is Nedved and he will kick your ass on the field and off. Even his name is better at soccer than you are. Check the hooded eyes and chiseled Eastern European cheeks. Then looks at his legs and his skills. Yes. He snacked on the hearts of babies before the game- or maybe he kissed his mother this morning. The thing is we don't know. All we know is that this guy commands respect. This guy is a machine.

Studies have shown that all the best players and teams fall into one or more of the following categories:


Scary and Hard: eg. Czech Republic; any country who has either been through mass genocide, civil war or under soviet control within the last 20 years






Plain ugly:eg. Too many to name, but for starters...





Ugly, but dedicated and skilled: eg. Ronaldinho





Physical Perfection: eg. David Beckham


If you are a professional soccer player and you don't fit into any of these categories ( US Team please stand up) then you need to work 5x as hard on your game. You need to play as if you were a really good team. You need to play to the death! Can you do this? PLEASE work on your game more and try, try to find a way to kick Italy's ass.


Italy, but more importantly people who think they are Italian-seriously need a good ass-kicking.



Can you help us?

You play for who?

By the way- the only player from the US team who was even playing in the game against the Czechs was an awesomely aggressive and skilled player with a lot of heart. He stood out from the rest of those soft losers. We were having an open debate about how the US can be so bad when the team is primarily made up of players who play for European football clubs.




Then, this guy Johnson steals the ball and makes at least five solid attempts on goal. Of course no one is there to help him so he fails, but he kept trying nonetheless. I looked him up. You know who he plays for? The Kansas City Wizards. That's a high school team, right?

Clown School

Does anyone have a major party coming up? Try this routine with a friend. It works better if you practice it a lot before the big event!!

"That's good/that's bad" routine
The first clown narrates the gag, the second responds alternately with "that's good / that's bad":

"I found a dog."
"That's good" (noncommittally).
"It wasn't a hot dog though" (showing the dog).
"That's too bad" (looking at the dog, wistfully).
"He's really friendly ..."
"Oh, that's good" (agreeably).
"... with people's legs."
"Well that’s bad" (appalled).
"He doesn't eat much."
"That's good" (nodding agreeably).
"He sure poops a lot though."
"That's bad" (that stinks expression).
"He's housebroken."
"That’s good" (of course it is).
"No that's bad: he did some jail time for the last housebreak."
"Okay, then that's bad" (willing to be corrected).
"No that's good: it was his second offense. He's gone straight now."
"That's ... uhhh ... good?" (confused now).
"No that's bad, he's gone straight for your pastrami sandwich!"

This bit is also seen with other "good/bad" interjections: perhaps "that's fortunate/unfortunate" or even (with a pair of two "Surfer Dude" clowns) as "Dude that rocks!/Man, that bites".

Note that a clown would likely choose the word pastrami rather than corned beef, because pastrami is a funny word and corned beef is not.

So clowns prefer:

monkey wrenches to "spanners"
doohickeys to "gadgets"
kitchen gadgets to "small appliance"
monikers to "nicknames"
and a clown would much prefer to be

fidgety than "restless".

Steva Prefontaine

This is for one of my best friends in the whole world who is smart and hilarious and beautiful. She also works really hard at her job. I know because we used to blow off steam together by screaming at the top of our lungs and then letting reality tv wash all our worries away. Everyone loves her and finally that love has translated into a promotion and a raise. YAY! Sometimes the formula works.

Pregnant Fairies steal Cinderella's Crown

Did you know that Cinderella is really insecure? That there are official laws that say she is the only Princess allowed in Disney World?

I went to Disney World a few weeks ago to meet up with my whole family. It was amazing. That place is incredible. They leave no detail unattended. Everything is immaculate, pristine and perfectly done. If you are of the unadventurous sort with low expectations, you could probably get away with going to Disney to really feel like you've experienced some other regions. That's how good it is. The rides are way better than you remember. Animal Kingdom is like a zoo without the remorse. I recommend you rent a wheelchair for someone in the family. You don't want to miss out on the fat, rolling fun. Plus, it really clears a path in the crowds. My mom took one for the team and sat in the chair. We put a crown on her head and asked her to drool for effect.

One morning the boys went out to play golf. The ladies stayed at the pool. It happened to be chilly that morning so we drank coffee in the lobby that is made to look like what it would look like if you were having tea in Victorian times. It's believable. There were all these little girls around wearing the princess costumes of the Disney characters. Remember all these?
God. Why didn't they have that when I was younger?

No matter. My sister in law and I decided that we wanted to be princesses too. So the ladies went upstairs to check out the clothing store. Unfortunately, Disney only sells costumes for children. Fortunately, children these days are fatter than they used to be. As long as there are fat 12 year olds, there are semi-petite adult women willing to wear their costumes.

I always wanted to be Indian so I tried on Princess Jasmin's costume first. Unfortunately, a belly shirt and sparkly pants on an adult looks like stripper clothes. Nipple tassles would have been less obvious. I thought for a while and remembered that before I wanted to be Indian I really wanted to be a Mermaid.

Well, I wanted to be a mermaid who wanted to be a human. I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing. strolling along on those what's that word again? Streeeeeeetsss.... Plus, Prince Eric was really hot with his dark hair.
Anna started with Belle from Beauty and Beast (the ball scene) and ended up with Sleeping Beauty because it had more sparkles. My mom stuck with her crown. It was blue and sparkly like her eyes.

We ended up buying the costumes and crowns. If you've never dressed up as a princess this side of 25 you are really missing something. We spent the rest of the morning prancing around the hotel, scaring kids, greeting guests and sitting in Cinderella's pumpkin. We never felt so beautiful. The costumes definitely fit over our heads and around our arms, but that is about it. What would have been the waist of the dress only made it around our chests so we ended up looking like over-grown, pregnant fairies. Hilarious.

What could possibly be funnier than over-grown pregnant fairies? Pregnant, over-grown fairies SMOKING. Even funnier than that is going into a store dressed as a bag-lady who scored at second-hand shop and asking for cigarettes. Marlboro Lights please!

After a euphoric day as a princess you can imagine our surprise when we arrived at the Magic Kingdom for the 3pm character parade as princesses and were denied access. We would not be allowed to enter the park dressed in Disney costumes and would be required to return to our hotel and change if we wanted to get in. Apparently there is only one princess allowed in the park. Her name's Cinderella and she's a huge, jealous bitch. She rides around in her pope-mobile everyday at 3 like she doesn't get morning breath. We were stopped at the gate by an over-zealous ticket-taker. We asked to talk to the manager. First we tried the but we look so beautiful angle and then cut the crap and admitted we looked border-line retarded and there was no way in hell anyone would mistake us for the holy one. The park manager showed us his rule book to prove his point: there is only one princess allowed in the park. Only ugly children under 12 can wear the costume in the park. The rest can wear stupid hats or their own clothes.

Disney has to protect their brand and apparently two over-sized girls in children's clothes interferes with the brand-image that they are trying to project. It bothered us that Disney let us buy the costumes, but then not wear them. Disney does not make being a Princess, at any age, cheap. So in honor of Disney's policy we went home to change.

And in honor of how awesome we looked here are some photos of us doing unholy things in official, Disney brand costumes.

That's right, kiddies- pregnant fairies smoking. That means fairies fornicate and smoke. Also, after this we totally drank martinis and stole candy from children- all while wearing the official Disney garb.

Clean it up!

I complain about the weather in my town a lot. It's crappy. It's so crappy that last summer it rained or was cold and gray everyday. For like one day it hit 20c. The guy on the radio, at this point tired of coming up with excuses just announced that it would be 20c. Finally, he said, it's summer weather! 20 degrees is about 68F. While that is nice in April it is hardly hot August summer conditions. The clouds finally lifted this weekend. We spent most of it watching World Cup and eating soft pretzels in Munich in a beer garden. We came home late Saturday night and woke up Sunday to the sun blazing in through the windows. Awesome. Unfortunately, what the sun has hidden from us for the past 10 months is an incredible amount of dirt, grime and crumbs that we couldn't see. Our windows were filthy, there was the entire pot roast under the oven in bits and pieces, our bar stools actually had grime clinging underneath the seat and on and on. We are by no means pigs- we clean up after ourselves. We vacuum and wash the floors. But while you are cleaning what you can see, there is twenty times as much filth accumulating where you can't.


So we went to town. I put on the yellow gloves and clothes that could scare the dirt away. I started at the hightest point in every room and cleaned the crap out of anything in my way all the way down to the ground. I scrubbed with soap and water and anti-grease stuff from the tops of cabinets, under the fridge, in the microwave, behind cupboards, behind the sink, in the drawers. Everything in something came out, was cleaned and put back again. We cleaned windows, washed candle-holders, scraped out hunks of god knows what from all the drains, bleached the grout in between the tiles and scrubbed it with a toothbrush. The drain in the sink is actually white if you brush off all the scum and hair clumps. Who knew!

I'm telling you this because a thousand pounds has been lifted from me. To have a clean home- I mean ridiculously clean like new is like being given a new start. I recommend it to everyone reading this. You probably already have clean homes. I mean we're not in college anymore. But I recommend to really clean it. Not just the surface areas, but as if the Queen was coming for tea. I don't think that way and instead imagined how it would need to cleaned if I was CSI. Whichever incentive you choose, there will be a new spring in your step. Today I will tackle my office which is organized disorganization and then I think I might float away with my incredible new lightness.

Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?

Der Bär, der zwischen Tirol und Bayern herumirrt, ist von einem
aufmerksamen Wanderer fotografiert worden.


Apparently, there is a bear somewhere in Bavaria wandering around (Get this!) eating things. Everyone has been really scared that they will run into this bear when going nordic walking in the woods and will have only their ridiculous ski poles with which to protect themselves. The authorities have been called in from Finland who are on their way with dogs to get the situation under contrl. In the mean time, hundreds of people are trying to get a picture of the bear before it's shipped away or killed. One lucky guy thought he got a photo of it from very far away. They enlarged the picture 1000x to discover it wasn't a bear at all. It was just some strange lady with a huge bush. Too bad.

Klaatu Verratta Nectu

I know your damn words, alright.



You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!"

'Oh yeah? Hey. What's that on your face?'