Open Message to the US Soccer Team: Italians need a good beating

The US is playing Italy on Saturday and I would really like to cheer for my home country. After Monday's spectacle against Czech I am not sure that I can. The US totally humiliated themselves (AND ME) in that game. Everyone knows the US sucks at soccer, but we didn't know it was that bad. I am begging you to please get it together for your next match.



See this? This is about what the last US game looked like. The Czechs dominated and the Americans rolled into a little ball and cried.

Soccer is about a lot of things. Being hard is definitely one them.

Here's what a good soccer player looks like. This guy- his name is Nedved and he will kick your ass on the field and off. Even his name is better at soccer than you are. Check the hooded eyes and chiseled Eastern European cheeks. Then looks at his legs and his skills. Yes. He snacked on the hearts of babies before the game- or maybe he kissed his mother this morning. The thing is we don't know. All we know is that this guy commands respect. This guy is a machine.

Studies have shown that all the best players and teams fall into one or more of the following categories:


Scary and Hard: eg. Czech Republic; any country who has either been through mass genocide, civil war or under soviet control within the last 20 years






Plain ugly:eg. Too many to name, but for starters...





Ugly, but dedicated and skilled: eg. Ronaldinho





Physical Perfection: eg. David Beckham


If you are a professional soccer player and you don't fit into any of these categories ( US Team please stand up) then you need to work 5x as hard on your game. You need to play as if you were a really good team. You need to play to the death! Can you do this? PLEASE work on your game more and try, try to find a way to kick Italy's ass.


Italy, but more importantly people who think they are Italian-seriously need a good ass-kicking.



Can you help us?