Pregnant Fairies steal Cinderella's Crown

Did you know that Cinderella is really insecure? That there are official laws that say she is the only Princess allowed in Disney World?

I went to Disney World a few weeks ago to meet up with my whole family. It was amazing. That place is incredible. They leave no detail unattended. Everything is immaculate, pristine and perfectly done. If you are of the unadventurous sort with low expectations, you could probably get away with going to Disney to really feel like you've experienced some other regions. That's how good it is. The rides are way better than you remember. Animal Kingdom is like a zoo without the remorse. I recommend you rent a wheelchair for someone in the family. You don't want to miss out on the fat, rolling fun. Plus, it really clears a path in the crowds. My mom took one for the team and sat in the chair. We put a crown on her head and asked her to drool for effect.

One morning the boys went out to play golf. The ladies stayed at the pool. It happened to be chilly that morning so we drank coffee in the lobby that is made to look like what it would look like if you were having tea in Victorian times. It's believable. There were all these little girls around wearing the princess costumes of the Disney characters. Remember all these?
God. Why didn't they have that when I was younger?

No matter. My sister in law and I decided that we wanted to be princesses too. So the ladies went upstairs to check out the clothing store. Unfortunately, Disney only sells costumes for children. Fortunately, children these days are fatter than they used to be. As long as there are fat 12 year olds, there are semi-petite adult women willing to wear their costumes.

I always wanted to be Indian so I tried on Princess Jasmin's costume first. Unfortunately, a belly shirt and sparkly pants on an adult looks like stripper clothes. Nipple tassles would have been less obvious. I thought for a while and remembered that before I wanted to be Indian I really wanted to be a Mermaid.

Well, I wanted to be a mermaid who wanted to be a human. I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing. strolling along on those what's that word again? Streeeeeeetsss.... Plus, Prince Eric was really hot with his dark hair.
Anna started with Belle from Beauty and Beast (the ball scene) and ended up with Sleeping Beauty because it had more sparkles. My mom stuck with her crown. It was blue and sparkly like her eyes.

We ended up buying the costumes and crowns. If you've never dressed up as a princess this side of 25 you are really missing something. We spent the rest of the morning prancing around the hotel, scaring kids, greeting guests and sitting in Cinderella's pumpkin. We never felt so beautiful. The costumes definitely fit over our heads and around our arms, but that is about it. What would have been the waist of the dress only made it around our chests so we ended up looking like over-grown, pregnant fairies. Hilarious.

What could possibly be funnier than over-grown pregnant fairies? Pregnant, over-grown fairies SMOKING. Even funnier than that is going into a store dressed as a bag-lady who scored at second-hand shop and asking for cigarettes. Marlboro Lights please!

After a euphoric day as a princess you can imagine our surprise when we arrived at the Magic Kingdom for the 3pm character parade as princesses and were denied access. We would not be allowed to enter the park dressed in Disney costumes and would be required to return to our hotel and change if we wanted to get in. Apparently there is only one princess allowed in the park. Her name's Cinderella and she's a huge, jealous bitch. She rides around in her pope-mobile everyday at 3 like she doesn't get morning breath. We were stopped at the gate by an over-zealous ticket-taker. We asked to talk to the manager. First we tried the but we look so beautiful angle and then cut the crap and admitted we looked border-line retarded and there was no way in hell anyone would mistake us for the holy one. The park manager showed us his rule book to prove his point: there is only one princess allowed in the park. Only ugly children under 12 can wear the costume in the park. The rest can wear stupid hats or their own clothes.

Disney has to protect their brand and apparently two over-sized girls in children's clothes interferes with the brand-image that they are trying to project. It bothered us that Disney let us buy the costumes, but then not wear them. Disney does not make being a Princess, at any age, cheap. So in honor of Disney's policy we went home to change.

And in honor of how awesome we looked here are some photos of us doing unholy things in official, Disney brand costumes.

That's right, kiddies- pregnant fairies smoking. That means fairies fornicate and smoke. Also, after this we totally drank martinis and stole candy from children- all while wearing the official Disney garb.