This makes me want to claw my skin off

It's not that I haven't wanted to update lately. I still have a lot to say. It's just that I have been drafting this entry for over a week now and I can barely get through a sentence without trying to scratch my entire cheek off.


My last entry was about the movie, Fluch der Karibik (Pirates of the Caribbean) Actually, it was about the art of loving the one you're with, or what you can get where ever you happen to be which in my case translates to loving thick, lukewarm soda. Anyway, there was something deeply disturbing about this movie and it has taken me weeks to write about it. I gathered the pictures almost two weeks ago and have spent the time since scrubbing my skin with wire brushes and ingesting bleach and vinegar as much as possible until I feel clean and non-organic enough to continue.

Please look at this photo. Look at that thing on the left. See the ear. What's that clump right under the ear? Click on the picture to make it bigger if you need to.

The guy has Mollusks growing out of his cheeks. Mollusks! Say that sentence and try not to inadvertantly rub or scratch your cheek. You have mollusks growing out of your cheeks.
The idea here is that this guy has no soul and lives at the bottom of the ocean. So naturally he is sort of a cross between a human and belonging to the sea. Sea things have set up camp in his face. Ummm, Excuse me, Mr. Turner, I believe you have a little something in your cheek there. Could you just go ahead and scrape those away? We're above water now. I don't know if I imagined it, but I think by the end of the three hours he had even more MOLLUSKS GROWING OUT OF HIS FACE. Excuse me while I puke.



Sort of like the way barnacles grow on Whales. Is the whale embarassed that he is so big and fat that smaller things mistake him for an inanimate object? The poor guy has no arms to pick them off. The torture. Barnacles, by the way are also disgusting. I just want to get a chissel and a hammer and start scraping away at them until everything is smooth. I went looking for pictures of barnacles earlier, but had to abort and find something smooth to stroke until I felt better again.

Personally, I don't like to hear about other people's psychosis or dreams. My favorite Professor gave a whole lecture on Narcissism being the reason that really most people just don't want to hear someone's else's dreams. It's boring and about other people. My friend is grossed out by everything and it really annoys me. Let's talk about my issues, ok? When she details why she doesn't like eggs because of the goopy yellow part I just drift away thinking of my own nightmare...and then there was a giant boat covered in Barnacles and I kept scraping and scraping and they kept growing and growing. My childhood friend Julie was there laughing and also growing barnackles. Don't care do you? It's only interesting if you have the same ticks. I say that because I am about to explain what grosses me out knowing that maybe you don't care that much. Still, it's important for me because maybe by talking about it I can get over it. I used to have a lot of little pet peeves and things that grossed me out. I also used to have a lot of pimples. i have since grown a lot. However, there remains one big one.

I am grossed out by the idea that we are in fact, organic. If you really think about it, we are in the process of rotting and what we see here
is just a thin layer of veneer under which everything else is, well, stinky. If you let up for one second in the endless pursuit of hair, makeup, showering, brushing teeth, using soap, moisturizer and medicine we are really just rot and crust. Skin is the most vital for me, perhaps because it is the curtain, the big band-aid holding this mess together. Where ever there is not skin to cover that place stinks: the mouth after 8 hours sleep or food, toe-nails and, of course, your asshole. Even holes in the skin let out the disgust underneath: hair folicles, ingrown hairs, infected in-grown hairs and pimples. If I think too long on what causes a pimple I start to salivate like I do when I know I am going to throw up. Seriously, have you ever felt an under-the-skin zit growing on your face or anywhere? It itches and if you really concentrate you can feel the rumble of your body scraping, gathering and collecting all that is nasty and miserable in your face, forcing it to gather and then shoot or ooze out of one hole in the protective sheet.

I think what killed me was watching my brother meticulously and endlessly operate on a wart he had growing on his knee cap for the whole of my college years. The thing would not die. He twisted it, he pulled it out, he cut it off. I think he even took fire to it and it just kept coming back. It dug roots. There was an actual plant growing out of his leg. I think at this point my psychosis started. Also, Gwen told me once how someone cut open a wart and there were three seeds laying there. SEEDS. IN A WART ON A HUMAN BODY. SEEDS. Since then, anything growing from something that I didn't want there gives me nightmares or the dry heaves, sometimes both. I hate to cut open a pepper when another pepper is growing inside. I have to eat those potatoes before they grow horns. Please no science experiments on if we can sprout things by leaving them in water. And thanks now to Fluch der Karibik, most importantly do not give your soul away to Davy Jones so that you must give your body to the sea. Or at least make sure you are really dead first. Eventually some muscles and clams are going to harvest out of your FACE and there is no amount of scraping that will get them out.